One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
