..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
