Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
