Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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