you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I am available for nakedness
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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