Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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