I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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