why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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