Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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