New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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