that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
