Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
