I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We had to coat check the pizza.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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