What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize