You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
