hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
