i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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