So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
