yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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