Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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