i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
