for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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