apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
