her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
