bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
