I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The air was thick with penises
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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