Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just googled if crying burns calories
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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