I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
