Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Randomize
