Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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