Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
