I just gift wrapped bread.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
