if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Let's get the cat blown out
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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