Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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