im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
