It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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