just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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