im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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