If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he fucked my hip out of place.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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