My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Randomize
