If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize