I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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