If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Semen is not good for contacts.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
