apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
