my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
