Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Randomize
