Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
