You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
