we have pet lesbian snakes
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize