I feel like abortions should bother me more
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
