I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My dad just said "fuck circus"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
