apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
