I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
