I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
