Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize