dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There r osticjed everywhere
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Watching her eat just hurts me
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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