the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
