dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
