girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
