Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
