i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
