Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
