I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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